My Greatest Artistic Accomplishment Is Being Accused Of Not Existing

You too can achieve such glittering accolades — here’s how.

Photo by Sigmund on Unsplash

Sometimes I look at all the Olympic champions, Nobel prize winners, and politicians out there on their podiums and I smile.

Cute.

I know what real achievement feels like, kiddos, and it’s the sensation of having not only your origins called into question but also your entire existence.

Not even in a weird, prejudiced way either. No, friends, I’m talking about being so goddamn weird that an entire lecture hall full of people accused my friend of just…making me up. In her mind.

And it all began with Rosemary, drugstore-brand scented candles, and a (very) amateur high school exorcism.

The Time I Tried To Perform A Highly Unqualified Exorcism

Look, I’m the first to admit that my interests have always been…well, varied, to say the least.

At one point they happened to center around a weird cocktail of the occult, the new age, and a few random cultural practices from ancient Mesopotamia. So, naturally, I was the first person my friend (who we’ll call Veronica) approached upon discovering that her home was by all accounts…